What stops us seeing abuse?
Many people have experienced someone close to them abusing a child. When something is so difficult to think about, it is only human to find ways of denying it to ourselves. One of the common thoughts that parents in this situation have is; 'My child would have told me if they were being abused and they haven't - so it can't be happening'.
What do we need to know?
We need accurate information and facts to help us protect our children. The signs that an adult is using their relationship with a child for sexual reasons may not be obvious. We may feel uncomfortable about the way they play with the child, or seem
always to be favouring them and creating reasons for them to be alone.
There may be cause for concern about the behaviour of an adult or young person if they:
Other things people have said to themselves to deny what is happening include:
- "He was the perfect father, he was involved with the children, he played with them, and when our daughter was ill he looked after her so well."
- "I thought they were just fooling around. He couldn't be abusing anyone at 14."
- "My brother would never do that to a child. He has a wife and children."
- "My friend has had a longstanding relationship with a woman. So how can he be interested in boys?"
- "She was their mother: how could she be abusing them?"
- "He told me about his past right from the start. He wouldn't have done that if he hadn't changed and I'd know if he'd done it again."
There may be cause for concern about the behaviour of an adult or young person if they:
- Refuse to allow a child sufficient privacy or to make their own decisions on personal matters
- Insist on physical affection such as kissing, hugging or wrestling even when the child clearly does not want it
- Are overly interested in the sexual development of a child or teenager
- Insist on time alone with a child with no interruptions
- Spend most of their spare time with children and have little interest in spending time with people their own age
- Regularly offer to baby-sit children for free or take children on overnight outings alone
- Buy children expensive gifts or give them money for no apparent reason
- Frequently walk in on children/teenagers in the bathroom
- Treat a particular child as a favourite, making them feel 'special' compared with others in the family
- Pick on a particular child
- Children often show us rather than tell us that something is upsetting them. There may be many reasons for their behaviour, but if we notice a combination of worrying signs, it may be time to
call for help or advice.
There may be cause for concern about the behaviour of an adult or young person if they:
- Refuse to allow a child sufficient privacy or to make their own decisions on personal matters
- Insist on physical affection such as kissing, hugging or wrestling even when the child clearly does not want it
- Are overly interested in the sexual development of a child or teenager
- Insist on time alone with a child with no interruptions
- Spend most of their spare time with children and have little interest in spending time with people their own age
- Regularly offer to baby-sit children for free or take children on overnight outings alone
- Buy children expensive gifts or give them money for no apparent reason
- Frequently walk in on children/teenagers in the bathroom
- Treat a particular child as a favourite, making them feel 'special' compared with others in the family
- Pick on a particular child
What to watch out for in children:
- Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects.
- Nightmares, sleeping problems.
- Becoming withdrawn or very clingy.
- Becoming unusually secretive
- Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and insecurity
- Regressing to younger behaviours, e.g. bedwetting
- Unexplained fear of particular places or people, not wanting to be alone with a particular person
- Outbursts of anger
- Appetite loss and sudden changes in eating habits
- New, adult words for body parts with no obvious source
- Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts
- Self-mutilation (cutting or burning) in adolescents
- Physical signs e.g. unexplained soreness, pain or bruises around genitals or mouth; sexually-transmitted diseases, pregnancy
- Running away
Please Note: Some of these signs may be caused by other factors and changes in a child's life. If you are worried talk to someone you trust or ring the Stop it Now! Helpline 0808 1000 900.
